Bobby:   Been meaning to ask.
Fay:   Wud.
Bobby:   What is, you know, all this?
Fay:   Snod.
Bobby:   What’s snod?
Fay:   SnodTUH.
Bobby:   SNOT?
Fay:   Yus.
Bobby:   Ew.
Fay:   Yus.
Bobby:   Why?
Fay:   Because ob all the snod.
Bobby:   From where?
Fay:   Mby face.
Bobby:   Ew fuck.
Fay:   Yus.
Bobby:   Why though?
Fay:   Because mby face is just so full ob snod.
Bobby:   Well ew.
Fay:   I kndow. You sed dadt.
Bobby:   Because, really, ew.
Fay:   Sorry. Sorry mby face is full ob snod Bobby.
Bobby:   Can you, like, clean it up?
Fay:   Ndo.
Bobby:   Why not?
Fay:   Because mby face is full of snod!
Bobby:   Awww. Poor muffin. Poor snot-face muffin.
Fay:   That is ew.

Not Reading

Bobby: Geez, what’s wrong now?
Fay: The book. It’s a sad book.
Bobby: The book doesn’t have feelings.
Fay: The characters are so so sad.
Bobby: The characters are not real.
Fay: The sadness is real. See?
Bobby: Except for no.
Fay: Except for you’re a fish.
Bobby: I’m starting to really doubt that that actually means that you know more about anything than I do.
Fay: Said the fish.
Bobby: Fine. Then do something. Make the characters not sad.
Fay: I can’t. They’re not real.
Bobby: I have an idea. Stop reading the book.
Fay: If I stop they’ll just stay sad. Sad forever! If I read they might get happy again.
Bobby: Or more sad.


Bobby: Hey, what are we doing?
Fay: NAHnahNAHnahNAHnah
Bobby: Hey…
Bobby: HEY I SAID.
Fay: Hey!
Bobby: I said what are we doing!
Fay: Dancing!
Bobby: We are?
Fay: Yep!
Bobby: Why?
Fay: Don’t ask me, you’re doing it too!
Bobby: You’re the one who’s dancing! I’m just wiggling. I’m a fish.
Fay: Your wiggling is easily interpreted as dancing.
Bobby: No just wiggling.
Fay: We’ll see.
Bobby: No we won’t see.
Fay: We’ll see.
Bobby: There isn’t even music.
Fay: There’s music in my headphones!
Bobby: Ohhhh. What are we dancing to?
Fay :Bad Reputation!
Bobby: I love that song!
Fay: I know right!

Not Doing a Puzzle

Fay: You know what this puzzle reminds me of?
Bobby: What?
Fay: Life.
Bobby: Very original.
Fay: I’m not trying to be original.
Bobby: Oh good.
Fay: I’m trying to be sincere.
Bobby: Fine.
Fay: Whatever.
Bobby: Go on, then. Be sincere.
Fay: So the puzzle. In theory, all the pieces connect.
Bobby: In practice too. Have faith in the puzzle.
Fay: But they’re mixed up. And some colours are supposed to be the same but they don’t look the same. Or they’re supposed to be different or whatever.
Bobby: It’s a puzzle.
Fay: These two pieces should go together. Look at them. See? But they don’t. See?
Bobby: It’s a puzzle.
Fay: And there’s no way to know what it’s all supposed to look like in the end.
Bobby: Like the picture. On the box.
Fay: I said the puzzle was like life. I didn’t say the box was like life.
Bobby: Oh, well I just assumed.
Fay: Well don’t.
Bobby: Sorry.
Fay: It’s a mess.
Bobby: It’s a puzzle.
Fay: A big stupid messy puzzle.
Bobby: Still. Just, you know, a puzzle.
Fay: And life is a mess. And big and stupid and a mess.
Bobby: Parts of it are done.
Fay: Ya. The easy parts. The border’s done because straight lines are easier to find.
Bobby: And the dog.
Fay: Yeh, I liked the dog.
Bobby: Because you like puzzles.
Fay: Puzzles rock.
Bobby: There you go.
Fay: And some of the pieces are upside down. I have no way of knowing what they’re even supposed to look like. I won’t know until I turn them over.
Bobby: So just-
Fay: And some pieces are probably missing. Like this edge piece. I looked everywhere. So I’ll toil and I’ll find the connections but I’ll never ever finish.
Bobby: Look, we don’t have to do a puzzle. Nobody said you had to do a puzzle. We can take a break from puzzles.
Fay: I like puzzles.

Free Lives

Bobby: “Now what are you doing?”

Fay: “I’m playing Mario 3.”

Bobby: “This is one of those interactive tv activities? Not the kind where you just sit there and fall asleep.”

Fay: “Correct.”

Bobby: “So what’s your objective?”

Fay:  “See the little man?”

Bobby: “No.”

Fay: “He’s jumping. There, he jumped.”

Bobby: “Okay. He doesn’t look so man-like.”

Fay: “He’s Mario.”

Bobby: “The third?”

Fay: “No.”

Bobby: “Whatever you say.”

Fay: “I need to get him to a spot way to the right.”

Bobby: “Then what?”

Fay: “I get points.”

Bobby: “Points. What else?”

Fay: “A new level. And some free lives maybe.”

Bobby: “What are the free lives for?”

Fay: “Doing more levels. Harder levels.”

Bobby: “Your objective is to get more objectives.”

Fay:  “Yes. Wait, no. Until the end. There’s a giant evil turtle-thing at the end. You kill him and save a princess. It’s awesome.”

Bobby: “What do you do with her?”

Fay: “Stuff.”

Bobby: “Nice.”

Fay: “Ok I’m playing now. Fuck.”

Bobby: “Why’d he make that noise and fall down?”

Fay: “I died.”

Bobby: “You WHAT?”

Fay: “Mario died. I’m Mario.”

Bobby: “Poor Mario.”

Fay: “He can come back. Free lives.”

Bobby: “Free lives. Why not.”

Fay: “It’s just a game.”

Bobby: “What made him die?”

Fay: “He got hit by the Goombah, that flying brown mushroom.”

Bobby: “That douchebag killed him?”

Fay: “Yeh the fucker.”

Bobby: “That’s stupid.”

Fay: “That’s Mario.”

Bobby: “Mario barfs up his soul.”

Fay: “What? No.”

Bobby: “That’s what it sounds like.”

Fay: “When?”

Bobby: “When he gets hit – it sounds like he barfs up his soul. AH! SOUL BARF!!!”

Fay: “Woah. That is so a soul barf.”

Bobby: “What happened this time?”

Fay: “Bit. By a fucking plant.”

Bobby: “Seriously? Mario is a pussy. I’m just saying.”

Fay: “Well it’s not his fault. He didn’t design the game.”

Bobby: “Sure he didn’t. Hey. Weren’t you going to call your mom?”

Fay: “Of course not.”

Bobby: “And make dinner.”

Fay: “Fuck dinner.”

Bobby: “Ha ha SOUL BARF!!!”

A Keytar

Fay: Bobby!

Bobby: What.

Fay: Bobby!

Bobby: What I said.

Fay: Bobby! Check this out!

Bobby: Ok.

Fay: Well?

Bobby: Well what?

Fay: Well it’s awesome.

Bobby: Oh. Can you play it?

Fay: No. Guess how much I paid for it. Guess! Bobby! Bobby! Guess!

Bobby: A dollar.

Fay: What? No dammit.

Bobby: Less than a dollar.

Fay: Fuck Bobby.

Bobby: So more than a dollar.

Fay: Fuck off Bobby.

Bobby: Shame.

Fay: It’s not a shame. It was cheap and awesome.

Bobby: But more than a dollar.

Fay: Yes fuck.

Bobby: Well alright then. Just so we’re clear.

Fay: Whatever.

Bobby: Ok then.

Fay: You spoiled it.

Bobby: Sorry.

Fay: You don’t mean that.

Bobby: No.

Fay: You know what, you don’t even know what you’re saying sorry for.

Bobby: No I do not.

Fay: So it doesn’t count.

Bobby: Sorry.

Fay: Asshole.

Bobby: What do you want me to say? Tell me and I’ll say that.

Fay: Say “ten dollars.” No – say “fifteen dollars!”

Bobby: Fifteen dollars.

Fay: HA! It was only seven dollars! Pretty cool, hey?

Bobby: Bitchin.

Fay: You definitely don’t mean that.

Bobby: Sorry.


Bobby: “Hey.”


Bobby: “Hey I said.”

Fay: “What hey?”


Bobby: “Hey.”

Fay: “Hey.”

Bobby: “What’s in there?”

Fay: “Coffee.”

Sip sip sip.

Bobby: “You like coffee.”

Fay: “Yes (sip).”

Bobby: “That’s nice.”

Fay: “Yes.”

Bobby: “Does it like you?”




Fay: “No.”

Bobby: “Oh. Really? Oh. Cuz that’s sad.”


Fay: “Yes.”

Bobby: “Why doesn’t it like you?”

Fay: “I dunno. I never asked. You ask.”

Bobby: “Ask who?”

Fay: “The coffee.”

Bobby: “I’m not stupid.”


Bobby: “How do you know it doesn’t like you?”

Fay: “It hurts my tummy.”

Bobby: “Your tummy? Well that’s not nice.”


Fay: “No.”


Fay: “It really really isn’t.”


Bobby: “But you like it anyway.:

Fay: “Yes.”

Sippy sip sip.

Bobby: “That’s nice of you.”

Fay: “Yes. It is.”


Bobby: “You’re too good for the coffee.”

Fay: “But. I love the coffee. I love it, so much.”

Bobby: “Suit yourself.”


Doing a puzzle

Bobby: “I see one!”

Fay: “Just a sec-”

Bobby: “ I see one I said!”

Fay: “Fine where?”

Bobby: “There, there – it’s blue with some pink – it goes at the top of the red balloon, I’m positive. No, no you’re nowhere near it! Way lower, like three inches – you passed it! – no to the left YOUR LEFT rightnexttothatone!!!”

Bobby: “With the lopsided dick!”

Fay: “THIS one?”

Bobby: “YES fuck.”

Fay: “It’s purple.”

Bobby: “It’s blue.”

Fay: “Whatever. It’s in. Problem fucking solved.”

Fay: “We did it!”

Bobby: “Yeh.”

Fay: “And it’s pretty.”

Bobby: “So now what does it do?”

Fay: “Look pretty.”

Bobby: “Oh.”

Fay: “What “oh”. I told you that before we started.”

Bobby: “I know.”

A New Fish

Bobby: “Ok, lemme get a few things straight.”

Fay: “Shoot.”

Bobby: “You ever had a fish before?”

Fay: “Weeell I guess my family had that one tank and I cleaned it that one time.”

Bobby: “…”

Fay: “What? You haven’t even given me a chance!”

Bobby: “Fine, fine. We’ll just see. But at the start, you’re changing my water twice a week.”

Fay: “Twice!”

Bobby: “AND you clean out all the food I don’t eat so it doesn’t poison my water.”

Fay: “How ‘bout you just eat it?”

Bobby: “How about you just trust me to know about fish, ok?”

Fay: “Anything else, your majesty?”

Bobby: “As a matter of fact, I want to discuss my name.”

Fay: “Your name.”

Bobby: “Yes. I’m letting you pick it; it’s in the code. BUT. You can’t name me any ironically pretentious names based on aristocracy, including Your Majesty.”

Fay: “It’s not like I was being serious.”

Bobby: “OR anything ironically cute, like fluffy, or ironically ironic, like Sushi.”

Fay: “Sushi!”

Bobby: “NO Sushi.”

Fay: “Oh why not?”

Bobby: “Because no.”

Fay: “That’s not a because.”

Bobby: “No, though.”

Fay: “How about Bobby?”

Bobby: “Bobby will be fine.”